Confidence is Built

Article

There is a strange experience that can happen after we have worked hard to change our lives. We can become more responsible, make better decisions, repair relationships, overcome addictions, return to school, develop a career, learn to control reactions that once controlled us, and survive experiences that at one time seemed impossible to survive, yet somewhere inside we may still feel remarkably similar to the person we were years ago.

Other people may see our progress. Our circumstances may provide evidence that we have changed. We may even be able to describe the changes intellectually, yet when something goes wrong, when someone criticizes us, when a relationship becomes uncertain, or when we fail at something important, an older version of ourselves can suddenly return.

We often try to change how we feel about ourselves without realizing that the deeper problem may be the identity through which we are interpreting our lives.

Confidence becomes steadier when identity begins catching up with reality

It may be time to move from your comfort zone into your growth zone — from what is safe, into risk, and change.

Confidence is Built

Worksheet

Does the identity you carry today describe the person you are living as today?

Think about your evidences.

Perhaps years ago you were unreliable, but today you go to work, pay bills, care for your family, keep appointments, and do what you said you would do. Perhaps you once avoided difficult conversations, but now you are learning to speak honestly and respectfully. Perhaps there was a time when alcohol, drugs, anger, anxiety, or another problem controlled much of your life, but you have spent years learning different ways to live. Maybe you once quit whenever something became uncomfortable, while today you have learned how to remain in difficult situations long enough to work through them.

We often imagine courageous people as people who do not experience fear. More often, Courageous people decided that fear was no longer going to make decisions for them. And, they acted while their hands were still shaking.

Confidence is Built

Podcast

Imagine that somewhere inside you there is an old file with your name written across the front. Inside that file are evaluations collected over decades. Some came from childhood. Some came from relationships. Some came from mistakes. There are criticisms from people who may no longer even be part of your life. There are embarrassing moments you have replayed hundreds of times. There are failures from twenty years ago sitting beside conclusions you made when you were frightened, immature, addicted, grieving, angry, confused, or simply trying to survive.

Now imagine how strange it would be if an employer evaluated someone today using only a résumé written thirty years ago. That is what many of us do to ourselves. We continue evaluating the current person with outdated information.

Updating identity does not require destroying the old file. But history should remain a learning experience from the past.

Go Deeper

To go deeper and learn about the underlying pattern, needs and recovery, look at this chapter from Dr. Slate's book: Self-Worth Transformation Course Workbook.